I needed to take my son to Salt Lake Community College
for placement testing. In the past, I would’ve worried and dreaded everything
in advance. How to get there? How to find the building on campus? How to find
parking? How to find the room? What would I talk with my son about in the car?
Would the drive be awkward?
That’s a lot of questions and worries. But that’s not what I
did today. I trusted God and the Universe. I gave thanks. Mentally, I let go. I
didn’t live in regret of the past nor live in dread of the future. I believed
that things would eventually work out. And, if they didn’t, I would still be
okay. I mean, the birds are still singing. God takes care of them…so why not
me?!
I PLACED NO EXPECTATIONS ON THE FUTURE. This is different
than placing hope in the future. I simply lived my life in the moment.
If you don’t have expectations or rather fixations of the
future, then you won’t be disappointed and your brain won’t get stuck. You won’t
let your brain down. Then your brain won’t throw a tantrum, giving you
emotional distress. Let go of the future so you can live in the present.
While waiting for my son to complete his college testing, I
ate lunch across the street at A&W. Normally, I would’ve worried about
crossing a busy street (Redwood Rd). But
I decided to slow down my thoughts and trust. As I approached the busy road,
all was clear and I easily crossed it.
Why do we make life more difficult than it needs to be? If I
had worried in advance about crossing the busy street, it would’ve wasted mental energy
and left me feeling distressed, no matter the outcome. I would’ve stressed
myself out. How many of us do this? I think far too many of us. I know I sure
did.
There was a time near the beginning of my anxiety that I
couldn’t stand to be alone or rather be alone with my thoughts. I had to be
constantly busy to avoid my thoughts. I even asked my mother-in-law to help me,
which she graciously did, although she didn’t understand what I was going
through. My mother-in-law would have me come over a couple times a week to help
her tie quilts. I had no interest in these activities. I just needed my brain
and time occupied and to not feel alone; because feeling alone is scary.
Back then, if I didn’t have all my time planned out for the
day, I would panic mentally. I couldn’t make decisions in the moment. My brain
was so panicky that I couldn’t even plan what to have for dinner. Therapists
would just suggest helps for meal planning but that wasn’t the problem. They didn’t
get anxiety or what I refer to as brain attacks.
Some people have heart attacks. I had brain attacks. My
brain would—in essence—malfunction. My brain would freeze up in panic and it
was not a pleasant feeling. It was completely unnerving and unsettling. A brain
attack is similar to trying to drive a manual stick shift car on a busy highway
while stuck in a gear. My brain gets stuck in ruts and mental gears.
I have monitored my mental status and progress over the
years by how well I think when I don’t have to think and I’m alone with my
thoughts. A few examples include what do you think about when you’re taking
a shower, doing meditation or watching a movie in the movie theater.
Of course, some worries and extraneous thoughts will
naturally surface. It's usually fairly easy to acknowledge a thought and then return to stillness. I find the best indicator of my mental wellness is my back
thoughts while I’m watching a movie in a dark theater. Am I worried about one
or more items? Am I preoccupied? Can I focus on the movie or am I habitually
drawn to my back thoughts?
Usually, I am anxious, worried and preoccupied behind the
scenes while watching a movie. Recently, I watched “Wonder Woman” on a date. I
don’t recall feeling worried or having troublesome thoughts percolate up to the
surface of my awake mind.
Also, now I feel comfortable to be alone with my thoughts. When
I had time to kill, I would usually read a book. Reading books is great and
many things can be learned from them. But now, I just contemplate and meditate.
I am still. And that’s a very good place to be.
I have reduced stress in my life right now. I’m not working
or going to school. I'm just with my kids this summer. I’m sure that’s partially the reason for my serene
stillness. But my hope is that I can keep some of the serenity I have now when
stress is reintroduced into my life. I plan to start working again soon. I’m
also starting a Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling later this
summer.
I have spent years attempting to retrain my brain. I think training a brain is harder than training a puppy. It hasn’t
been easy but I’ve come a long way from my early days of needing my thoughts
occupied every moment. I’m sure there will be setbacks and ups and downs. I do
have bipolar disorder so that is bound to happen. But I never thought I’d be
mentally well after 14 years of being mentally ill. Is it possible? Am I
dreaming? If so, please don’t burst my bubble.
