Quotable Casandra, Part 1

(From journals, April 2011)

"I wish our lives were like a DVR, so we could skip the parts we don’t like."

"I live life moment by moment. I have no guarantees."

"Life is very suspenseful. It’s like an operation. Will I pull out of it? Only heaven knows."

"Things are making sense…weird!"

"I’ve never felt so grounded before. I could be a tree."

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"I will get there when I get there."

"I follow the hearse. I watch it go past my street and I scream to the skies:

I  AM ALIVE!"

"We think we’re in control.

We think we’re all alone.

Wrong, on both counts."

"Look up at the sky. All we get is a sunrise and sunset each day. Anything else is bonus."

You Are More Than Your Disease

When I had fibromyalgia for over twenty years (before it changed to bipolar disorder), I had low energy and chronic pain. I would need to crawl on the floor to pick up anything in my house. I looked “okay” on the outside so people expected me to be able to act “okay.” I felt lame and doubted if I’d ever feel better. In our society, we are measured by what we “do” (What do you do for a living? What are your hobbies? What does your spouse do?). To have a disease where you can’t “do,” it’s hard to feel you measure up. People don’t go around asking, “What type of person are you? What trials have you faced? Who are you when you don’t have to do anything?” One day in the checkout stand of a grocery store, I flipped through Oprah’s magazine. I saw a concept that changed my outlook and changed my life. In essence, it said, “You may have this _________ disease, but that is not who you are.” I had never heard of such a concept, that I could be more or different than my disease…that, in fact, I am NOT my disease. I just have it. A wise friend of mine said, “While it affects us, it does not define us.” Over the years, I came to realize that I am worthwhile even if I can "do" nothing.

It can be difficult for individuals to distinguish themselves from the illness. I’ve observed individuals who are newly diagnosed or in the earlier stages of bipolar disorder seem to have a harder time telling themselves apart from the disease. I always like to switch roles. Would you say someone with diabetes is no more than their disease and is not separate from the disease? Of course not. However, I can understand how an individual could feel this way. When your life is overrun and appears to be ruled in every aspect by your disease, how you feel, perceive and do, it gets easier to forget the real you still exists. Just imagine if the disease that overruns and rules every aspect of your life were little terrorists. Would you say these little terrorists define you, that now they ARE you? Would you say they are holding the real you hostage and will never release you, so they must now be you? It doesn’t add up. It’s just like a sweater. I may wear the same sweater all the time but it’s not me. People may come to know me as the woman in the green sweater, but it’s still not me. I am convinced that one day I will be able to take the sweater of bipolar disorder off and everyone will see me for who I truly am.

I know it's difficult..but try to remember you are more than your disease.

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Who else does this speak to?

A Milk Bubbles Kind of Day

I awoke and walked out of my bedroom. In the hallway was a wizard, my toddler, who cast a spell on me with her magic wand: “I will turn you into a frog.” “Ribbit, ribbit,” I said as I jumped.  My daughter had milk to drink with her breakfast. She blew milk bubbles with her straw and then did something surprising to me. She took her spoon and began to eat the milk bubbles. She blew milk bubbles over and over again until they overflowed and then scooped them up with her spoon and ate them. Then, we went to Lagoon, Utah’s lone amusement park. I noticed she did the same thing on every ride. Whether it was a swings ride or a rocket ship ride, my daughter outstretched both arms into flying motion and was in flight. On a ride similar to Dumbo the Elephant ride, my daughter couldn’t get her ladybug off the ground. I coached her after the ride to pull back on the joystick to go up. She got on the ride and tried again. It took about half the ride for her to take flight. Then I noticed that she had one hand on the joystick and one arm outstretched in flight. She was in her own world of childhood wonder.

I marveled at the delight of a child. When funky music played, she danced and sang along whether or not she knew the tune. We spent part of our day at the water park. I initially sat on the ground to watch her play. Then my daughter came to me with an outstretched hand and pleadingly invited, “Come play with me.” How could I resist? After going down one slide, I was crouched in the water and my daughter came up and gave me such a big hug, it bowled me over. I ended up with an owie on my elbow, which is perfect for a day of playing with a child. What if we, as adults, used our imagination, were spontaneous, weren’t afraid to try or to try again, believed in our dreams and in ourselves, and invited others to simply play? At the end of the day, I asked my daughter what milk bubbles taste like. I looked forward to a magical answer, such as “Ice cream fairyland” or “Angel cotton candy.” My daughter looked at me kinda funny and replied, “Milk. It’s just made of milk.”

So, if you'd like to feel like a child, try blowing milk bubbles today.

Don't Talk Back to Your Sensei

Note to those who suffer:  I don’t blame anyone for calling out or questioning why they are suffering for so long. I’ve been there. I hope this article gives a different perspective and hope.

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There was a time I feared for my life and enrolled in a self-defense class. Actually, it was a street fighting class with Muay Thai boxing thrown in (muggers, watch out!) My sensei commanded the utmost respect. He was wise. I knew I could trust him. He was kind, yet firm. I kept forgetting to keep my hands up by my face in case of an attack. So, my sensei kindly whacked me on my head until I remembered. Now, I never forget to keep my hands up and protect my head. I proceeded to progress through the ranks but sometimes I thought I should progress faster. Why haven’t I gotten my second black stripe on my belt yet? Doesn’t he see I’m ready? I’ve learned all I need to move on. What is he thinking? Could we move a little faster? I couldn’t imagine going up to my wise, kind (and incredibly strong) sensei and telling him I was ready to move on and get my next belt. How presumptuous. He was the teacher. He knew far more than me. How disrespectful could I get?

Then, I had an epiphany. (Whatever you believe about God, a higher power, please insert next.) How many of us call out to God or the Universe and say, “Okay. I’ve learned what I needed to from this trial. I’m ready to move on. You can take away this trial now. I don’t know what you’re thinking. Could we move a little faster?” How many times do I question God without remembering that He is the teacher and I am the student and I have things to learn? Do I trust him and believe He knows best when I am truly ready to move on? Our spiritual sensei may have wisdom that we do not. This new perspective has helped me be more accepting of my life as I reach toward enlightenment. Just remember in spiritual matters as in life: 

Don’t Talk Back to Your Sensei!

When you accept what is, every moment is the best moment. 

That is enlightenment.   –Eckhart Tolle

Football Ice Cream: Who wins?

This was a fun, interactive activity which required teamwork and everyone enjoyed the results.

Football Ice Cream Recipe
Pour into quart size ZIPLOC bag:
 1 cup whipping cream
 1 cup half & half (fat-free type can be used for slightly less creamy consistency)
 ½ cup sugar
 1 tsp vanilla
 Optional: fruit, chocolate syrup, etc.

 

Seal out air and place in gallon size ZIPLOC bag. Then surround smaller bag with ice and add ¼ cup (or more) rock salt. Make sure to get the air out of both bags before sealing. Then wrap in 5-6 layers of newspaper and bundle up with sturdy tape (packing tape or wide masking tape works well.) until the package is tight and compact. Throw back and forth for 20 minutes. Try not to drop it or the bags might break open. When opening, be careful not to get the salt inside the ice cream bag. Serves 2 people.

FAMILY CHALLENGE

My family had two teams and two ice cream packages to see who could freeze the hardest, creamiest football ice cream. Team A consisted of me and my teenage son. We threw the football ice cream hard and dropped it a couple times. Salty ice water began to leak. Team B consisted of my husband and our two younger daughters. They quickly tired of throwing the football. Out of pity, I suggested they try the trampoline. So, they all bounced on the trampoline along with the football ice cream. I began to worry that the trampoline might be a more effective method of freezing ice cream. Plus, Team A’s ice cream was leaking salty water like crazy.

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Victory time: We carefully unwrapped both football's. One team’s ice cream reigned supreme, frozen hard and creamy. Which method is better, the hard throw of a football or the bounce of a trampoline? The results were close but a football throw won it. Team A was victorious but we gladly ate up all the ice cream. One of my daughters said, “This was the best family activity, EVER!” Who can argue with that?!