Marriage Experiment: Home Run

If you’re new to the Marriage Experiment series, please read the last two blog entries before reading this conclusion. Basically, I came up with an idea to better express our needs to our partner in a fun way and to serve each other. All you need for the idea is your imagination and sticky notes. Come up with seven requests, one for each day of the week, for your spouse. Have your spouse do the same for you and off you go.

Let me tell you how the last four days of our marriage experiment went. One day, I walked into the bathroom to see the sticky note my husband left for me. I burst out laughing. My husband wanted to know what was so funny. His note said “Surprise me.” I laughed because my note for him that day was going to be “Surprise me.” We found some enjoyable ways to surprise one another. On another day, my sticky note said “Spend time with me” and my husband’s note said “Go on a walk or bike ride with me.” I chronicled in my Halfway Point how our needs seemed to be similar. My husband’s last note said “Romance me” and my note to him read “Makeout like when we dated.” It definitely ended on a high note.

http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=download&id=1101776

I’ve shared some things I learned. I discovered that my husband and I have basically the same needs to be loved and appreciated and that it doesn’t take long to rekindle a spark and interest in each other. That week’s worth of sticky notes may be worth more than any marital counseling or retreat. But don’t take my word for it. Here is my husband’s account:

 “This experiment surprised me on several accounts. First, I wasn’t sure if it would be just more work. But it turned out to be fun.
 
As the days went on, I was surprised out how much I enjoyed it. There was a new surprise waiting for me each day as both an “assignment” and an expectation. Casandra wasn’t exactly sure how I would full-fill her request and I hers. I was also surprised how some days our requests seemed to work well with each other. In fact at least once we had the same request on the same day. There were days when both of us really didn’t have the time to complete the assignment satisfactory. In those cases, we both agreed to extend the time to complete it an extra day or so. That way, it didn’t get forgotten or seem unimportant.
 
 I think this was helpful in another way as well. Instead of trying to second-guess what the other was thinking or expecting, we both knew what the other was expecting. In that way our communication improved. I also learned a few things about our relationship. Such as it doesn’t always take much to make her feel loved.”

After 20 years of marriage, I guess there are still things to learn about each other and what each other needs to feel appreciated and loved. If my husband with three jobs can find a few minutes to fulfill this experiment, I think anyone could.

I invite you to take the sticky note challenge and make discoveries about your own relationship.

Marriage Experiment: Halfway Point

It’s Day 3 and near halfway through the marriage experiment of “Ask and Ye shall Receive.” I’ve discovered a number of realizations so far:

·        My husband was more game for this experiment than I thought he’d be.

·        I think men and women don’t do a very job at expressing their needs and wants.

·        I think men and women have more common needs than one might think

Since this experiment came across as a game or science experiment, my husband was more likely to write his needs on a sticky note than to talk about them in a counseling appointment.

Today my four year old daughter said “I want a yogurt and I want a puppy.” She expressed her needs and wants very clearly. Few people I know go around and say “I want attention and I need to feel appreciated.”

http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=download&id=1376241

Let me tell you about the first three days of the marriage experiment.  The first day, my sticky note said “Kiss me Recklessly.” My husband’s said “Greet me warmly when I get home.” I realized that I was often distracted and didn’t know of my husband’s need to be appreciated when he got home. My husband responded warmly to my own warmth and it lingered the rest of the night.

The second day, my sticky note said “Flattery will get you everywhere” and my husband’s said “Compliment me.” I asked my spouse if he copied mine and he said, “No.” I knew I had a need to be complimented but didn’t think it was important to my husband. And, yes, we’ve been married for twenty years.

The third day, my husband’s note said, “Give me a full body massage” and I had already planned to put up “Warm me with your hands,” I was beginning to feel spooked and a little foolish that we both had similar needs. I found we have a common need to be appreciated, expressed in words, actions, and touch. 

The marriage experiment made us both open to each other’s attempts at filling each other’s needs. I feel a little foolish as we seem like plants that both need sunlight and water applied to us but we never speak that we have the same needs.I look forward to reporting on the rest of our week and seeing if it's possible to jumpstart a 20 year marriage in only seven days. God created the world in just seven days, so we'll see...

Marriage Experiment: The Beginning

 I have been married for 20 years this July. But I don’t feel particularly romantic or like a newlywed anymore. So, I had this idea to revitalize the romance in my marriage. Feel free to play along. It goes along with Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it shall be given you…” It’s a fun game to ask for what you want and to serve your partner with what they want. Come up with a minimum of seven clever phrases (one for each day of the week), such as “Kiss me recklessly,” “Surprise me,” “Makeout like a teenager,” and “Flattery will get you everywhere.” Make it as direct or as wishful as you like. Make this your new playlist. Put each idea onto a separate sticky note. Each day, put a new sticky note onto your partner’s bathroom mirror or another clever location. Your partner will put a sticky note of his own for you to see. Then it’s time to serve and have fun, fun, fun.

Reality: I came up with my phrases and shared them with my husband. He has three jobs so he’s pretty busy. At first, he balked at having time for all this. I said “This will take less than five minutes a day.” Then I added, “You could even start with one minute.” My husband agreed that he could spare one minute a day. He also agreed to write down seven statements of his own for me to fulfill. I wanted to be surprised so I’ll clue you in on his statements next week

Later that evening, my husband told me he really liked my clever statements and he spent a lot more time with me than five minutes. We felt like newlyweds even before the experiment began.

http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=download&id=1068350

Part of the premise for this experiment is my belief that God can restore all things. If your marriage was good at one point, it can be made good again. I know that marriages don’t always work out, but it’s good to try. I found some intriguing Old Testament scriptures, such as “Now therefore restore the man his wife” (Genesis 20:7) and “Restore all that was hers, and all the fruits of the field since the day that she left the land, even until now.” (2 Kings 7:6). Plus, we know the story of Job who lost his wife, his children, his health, his assets…but eventually had everything restored.

This is similar to the poem “The Master’s Touch.” At an auction, a violin was presented as dusty, beat up, and out of tune. No one saw the worth of the violin. When placed in the Master’s Hands and dusted off and tuned, the violin played a sweet song. The violin was auctioned for a great price. I think of our marriages like the violin, of inherent worth even when a little dusty and out of tune. The Master’s Touch (or God) can restore our marriages to their former splendor. 

Maybe it can just take a week to jumpstart the romance of our marriages. Share your experiences with me. I'll fill you in after this week. Get out those sticky notes…