“Taken” with my Hero

I went to lunch at an Indian buffet (of course) with a couple girlfriends for my birthday this week. Somehow in the conversation, one of my friends mentioned the movie, “Taken.” It’s a psychological action-packed suspense thriller from 2008 with Liam Neeson. I sat on the edge of my seat as my friend explained how the movie began and the basic gist of the movie. Now, this isn’t the type of movie I normally see. My closest friends all know that I’m not into serious films but that I like funny, zany comedies and entertaining shows. But something about my friend’s description of the movie, “Taken,” intrigued me. I rented it for that night to watch with a friend.

I don’t want to give away too much but the basic gist of the movie is that Liam Neeson plays a retired spy and has one child, a teenage daughter, who travels to Europe with a friend. His daughter gets abducted not for ransom but to be sold into sex trafficking. Then the race is on for Liam to find his daughter in less than 96 hours before she disappears, never to be found again.

As I watched the film, I was amazed at the love and extreme dedication Liam had to find his daughter at any and all costs, even at the expense of his own life if necessary. Even though it was a psychological action-packed suspense thriller, the movie made a strong spiritual impression on me. I imagined that the child in the movie was me, lost and taken by enemies, and that the kick-ass father was Jesus fighting to find me and save my life, who would stop at nothing to find me. I believe Jesus fought for all of us but would have been willing to fight and suffer even for just one of us…and that includes you.

Photo by Dhyamis Kleber from Pexels

After watching this movie, I became so grateful that I had a hero in my Savior Jesus Christ who could fight all my enemies, even sin and death. I thought of the hymn this morning, “I Stand All Amazed.” From the first two verses, I cry and sing with the angels: “I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.” “I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, that for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.” And then the refrain, “Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!”

I share my witness of my Savior Jesus Christ and that I’m so grateful that I’m important enough to Him to be worth His soul-saving efforts. If you elect to see the movie again or for the first time, try envisioning Jesus as the hero who cares for us so deeply as God’s children that He risks His life to save us. In the movie, the daughter may have been “Taken” but I am taken with my hero, the Savior of all humankind.

A Camping Miracle

I just thought I’d share a mini-miracle that showed me God is real. Some of you know that I searched for spiritual answers awhile back and was agnostic for a second before returning to the faith of my youth.

Recently, I went on a camping trip with my family to Castle Rock campground in central Utah. We have camped there every summer for over 20 years. All my kids went and it was great. They didn’t argue as much and the long car ride was much more peaceful. We camped for two nights.

I slept in a tent with my teenage daughter with special needs. One night, she needed to pee really bad in the middle of the night. She was pressuring me to find a flashlight and zip open the tent so she could make it outside in time. I was flustered and tried to open the tent door quickly. This only got the zipper very stuck. My daughter was insistent that she get out of the tent and I was fighting with the zipper. I knew she would have an accident very soon if I didn’t get that tent door open…pronto.

Finally, I said a prayer aloud. And, as I did, I felt power course through me to the zipper and it opened as easy as butter to a hot knife. My daughter made it out of the tent just in the nick of time. I sat back in the tent, amazed at what had just occurred. Wow, God is real and He immediately answered my prayer in an unmistakable way. As I write this now, tears fill up my eyes. A few have overflowed.

If any of you wonder if God is real or if He really hears our prayers and can answer them, I am here to witness that He is real and that your prayers are indeed heard. Why did I have a time of spiritual doubt? I'm not really sure. But I know God knows why and that is good enough for me. My impression and hope is so that I will be an even better witness for Him. God knows I chose Him after looking at a lot of other options.

I had faith that God could open that tent zipper and I called upon God for His help. If God helped me with a tent zipper, how much more is He willing and interested in helping in even more important areas of our lives? In my experience, God is very interested in us and in our lives. Dang it, I can’t stop crying. This camping miracle was a spiritual breakthrough for me. I hope it will be for you.

Are You a Worry Wart? I was!

I needed to take my son to Salt Lake Community College for placement testing. In the past, I would’ve worried and dreaded everything in advance. How to get there? How to find the building on campus? How to find parking? How to find the room? What would I talk with my son about in the car? Would the drive be awkward?

That’s a lot of questions and worries. But that’s not what I did today. I trusted God and the Universe. I gave thanks. Mentally, I let go. I didn’t live in regret of the past nor live in dread of the future. I believed that things would eventually work out. And, if they didn’t, I would still be okay. I mean, the birds are still singing. God takes care of them…so why not me?!

I PLACED NO EXPECTATIONS ON THE FUTURE. This is different than placing hope in the future. I simply lived my life in the moment.

If you don’t have expectations or rather fixations of the future, then you won’t be disappointed and your brain won’t get stuck. You won’t let your brain down. Then your brain won’t throw a tantrum, giving you emotional distress. Let go of the future so you can live in the present.

While waiting for my son to complete his college testing, I ate lunch across the street at A&W. Normally, I would’ve worried about crossing a busy street (Redwood Rd).  But I decided to slow down my thoughts and trust. As I approached the busy road, all was clear and I easily crossed it.

Why do we make life more difficult than it needs to be? If I had worried in advance about crossing the busy street, it would’ve wasted mental energy and left me feeling distressed, no matter the outcome. I would’ve stressed myself out. How many of us do this? I think far too many of us. I know I sure did.

There was a time near the beginning of my anxiety that I couldn’t stand to be alone or rather be alone with my thoughts. I had to be constantly busy to avoid my thoughts. I even asked my mother-in-law to help me, which she graciously did, although she didn’t understand what I was going through. My mother-in-law would have me come over a couple times a week to help her tie quilts. I had no interest in these activities. I just needed my brain and time occupied and to not feel alone; because feeling alone is scary.

Back then, if I didn’t have all my time planned out for the day, I would panic mentally. I couldn’t make decisions in the moment. My brain was so panicky that I couldn’t even plan what to have for dinner. Therapists would just suggest helps for meal planning but that wasn’t the problem. They didn’t get anxiety or what I refer to as brain attacks.

Some people have heart attacks. I had brain attacks. My brain would—in essence—malfunction. My brain would freeze up in panic and it was not a pleasant feeling. It was completely unnerving and unsettling. A brain attack is similar to trying to drive a manual stick shift car on a busy highway while stuck in a gear. My brain gets stuck in ruts and mental gears.

I have monitored my mental status and progress over the years by how well I think when I don’t have to think and I’m alone with my thoughts. A few examples include what do you think about when you’re taking a shower, doing meditation or watching a movie in the movie theater.

Of course, some worries and extraneous thoughts will naturally surface. It's usually fairly easy to acknowledge a thought and then return to stillness. I find the best indicator of my mental wellness is my back thoughts while I’m watching a movie in a dark theater. Am I worried about one or more items? Am I preoccupied? Can I focus on the movie or am I habitually drawn to my back thoughts?

Usually, I am anxious, worried and preoccupied behind the scenes while watching a movie. Recently, I watched “Wonder Woman” on a date. I don’t recall feeling worried or having troublesome thoughts percolate up to the surface of my awake mind.

Also, now I feel comfortable to be alone with my thoughts. When I had time to kill, I would usually read a book. Reading books is great and many things can be learned from them. But now, I just contemplate and meditate. I am still. And that’s a very good place to be.

I have reduced stress in my life right now. I’m not working or going to school. I'm just with my kids this summer. I’m sure that’s partially the reason for my serene stillness. But my hope is that I can keep some of the serenity I have now when stress is reintroduced into my life. I plan to start working again soon. I’m also starting a Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling later this summer.

I have spent years attempting to retrain my brain. I think training a brain is harder than training a puppy. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve come a long way from my early days of needing my thoughts occupied every moment. I’m sure there will be setbacks and ups and downs. I do have bipolar disorder so that is bound to happen. But I never thought I’d be mentally well after 14 years of being mentally ill. Is it possible? Am I dreaming? If so, please don’t burst my bubble.

What I Learned From Captain Jack Sparrow

My son really wanted me to see the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie with him. I hadn’t watched any of the prior four Pirates movies so my son had me watch the first Pirates movie on Netflix so I would have at least a basic understanding of the characters and plot. Even having done so, I had some gaps in my understanding when I went to watch the fifth movie installation. 

But, one thing was clear: Captain Jack Sparrow (played by Johnny Depp) was still the same and up to his old antics. I’m not sure why but this time I saw Captain Jack Sparrow in a whole new light. I saw him more for his virtues than his vices. This is what I learned from Captain Jack Sparrow as I watched his character on the big screen:

I’m not sure how much of his character was from the rum or hot Caribbean sun but I liked his easy going, go with the flow attitude. He never seemed to worry…period, whether he was about to be hanged or have his head cut off with a guillotine. Captain Jack Sparrow just went his gut instinct, trusting that things would work out somehow. Doesn’t life seem to work itself out most of the time? How much of our time is spent worrying about things we cannot change or may never happen?

Captain Jack Sparrow was all about living in the moment, enjoying himself, finding humor in every situation and never second guessing himself. He doesn’t take himself or life too seriously. I’m sure we all have known people who took life a little too seriously.

Captain Jack Sparrow seemed happy to be himself, quirks and all. He also didn’t seem to be particularly concerned about what others thought of him. He didn’t worry about this and he wasn’t a people pleaser. He was just true to himself.

The character of Captain Jack Sparrow was extremely likeable. He made lots of mistakes but people couldn’t seem to stay mad at him for very long, except for some questionable women and cursed pirates.

Another aspect of Captain Jack Sparrow’s character that I liked was his persistence. Even when he fails, he picks himself back up and tries again. The Captain doesn’t seem to dwell on the past and kick himself for errors. As mentioned, he also doesn’t worry about the future. He simply lives in the moment, taking life as it comes. I think there is a lot to say for that. Many people spend a lifetime trying to accomplish living in the moment and truly enjoying life.

It’s fun to watch Captain Jack Sparrow in action. He is so resourceful and stumbles into solutions by accident or serendipity. He is spontaneous, willing to take on new adventures in a heartbeat.

There are those who may say he was a drunk and womanizer but he was the best Pirate around and his crew or friends were deeply devoted to him…well, most of the time.

I got to thinking about the significance of his last name, Sparrow. Now, I love little birds, sparrows. And this is the reason why. God cares for little birds in all their needs. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches us not to worry in Matthew Chapter 6. About the birds, Jesus said, “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?”

I also love to watch sparrows because they don’t seem to worry about where their next meal is coming from, if their housing situation will work out, etc. They are just happy and they chirp and sing….or hum like a pirate.

Now my purpose of writing isn’t to glorify Pirates…but perhaps we all need a little of the spirit of Captain Jack Sparrow. Ahoy, matey!

Inspired Shopping Adventure

Janessa and I couldn’t believe the sign on the door of Ross in Bountiful, Utah on September 30, 2016. The hastily scrawled sign said “Cash Only. Our Credit/Debit machine is down.” A little dazed and confused, we walked into Ross. Inside, it was like a ghost town, with only a handful of people milling around. They looked a little dazed and confused, too.

One never knows what treasures are to be found at Ross. As we walked back to the toys, Janessa said, “I hope they have Littlest Pet Shop Toys.” I said, “I hope so, too” as I said a silent prayer that her request would be granted. I wanted to get a new bedspread but had no luck. While Janessa searched in the toys, I went to look at the next item on my list: new towels. I know, very exciting What really makes them exciting is that I’m giving them to Ron as a surprise birthday gift (he likes surprises, no matter how mundane). Word to the wise: this is what you get when you won’t ask for anything for your birthday-ha ha.

Then, Janessa and I reunited with our finds. She found a large Littlest Pet Shop set for half the price. Then, I suggested we walk back to the towels so she could pick some towels for the kids. On our way, we “happened” to pass the tall shelves with pull-out wicker drawers (I call it a wicker organizer.) This made Janessa stop in her tracks. She said, “This would be perfect for my LPS” (Littlest Pet Shops, for those in the know).

Then, came the issue of how to pay for all of it in cash. I usually just carry a $20 bill on me for emergencies. (Janessa later said, “This was an emergency.”) I had brought some items to exchange but it wouldn’t be enough for all we wanted to buy. Then, I remembered a pair of boots I needed to return to Famous Footwear that were in the car. So, we put our items on hold (except for the wicker organizer) and booked it to the car and then to Famous Footwear where we made a refund.

With cash in hand, we returned to Ross. We quickly walked to the back of the store and the wicker organizer was still there. We each had a cart full of items and we headed toward the front of the store. There was a super long line in comparison to the few people that were in the store. This was likely due to there being only one cashier.

Then another cashier showed up at customer service. I got in the empty line for “Returns/Exchanges.” I felt a little bad as all the people in the regular line glared at me as I was taken next in line.

I hadn’t really added things up. I was just trusting in the Universe. The cash register was super slow and I began to wonder if it would work. I said another silent prayer. I returned the items for in-store credit as the credit card machine still wasn’t working. I came up short. But I still had cash from the boots. I ended up with $20 left over from the boots. Yay!

Janessa waited by the front with our items while I drove the van to pick up the wicker organizer. Truth be told, I didn’t really want to carry the wicker organizer to my van. As I was about to pick it up, a strapping young Ross employee was heading for the exit and I enlisted his help.

We got home safely. I told my son Ryan about our grand shopping adventure. When I told him I bought towels for Dad’s birthday, he didn’t believe me. Then I showed him the towels and he believed me.

Janessa later told me she had said a silent prayer that the cash register would work too. Like mother, like daughter. We both like a good find and an answered prayer.

Could You Describe Love in One Paragraph?

I'm applying for chaplaincy school and have to write a dozen papers as part of the application. Chaplains can work in a variety of settings: military, hospitals, hospice, jails and prisons, emergency departments, large organizations, etc. The shortest paper for the application is to describe love in one paragraph. Could you do it? Below is my attempt:

I believe love means we have God’s heart to see as He sees and to love as He loves. God uses our hearts and hands to reach out to others but it is difficult to love as perfectly as God does and to see others as God sees them. In 1 Samuel 16:7, it reads “For the Lord does not see as man seeth, for man looketh at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” In order to love as God does, we need our heart expanded. So we must fervently pray and ask for this gift of charity or perfect love of Christ (Moroni 7:47-48.) In Paul’s writings (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), he gives some examples of what charity is (suffers long, is kind, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails) and what it is not (doesn’t envy, doesn’t vaunt itself, is not puffed up, doesn’t behave unseemly, is not selfish, is not easily provoked, doesn’t think evil, doesn’t rejoice in iniquity.) But these do’s and don’ts do not capture the full essence and magnitude of this great love of God. Other LDS scriptures (Mosiah 18:8-9) describe this true love of Christ in terms of willingness to bear the burdens of others, mourn with others and comfort others. All of these scriptures combined (not to mention the commandment to love others as God does) comprise my feelings on love. I want to see others as God sees them and be His loving embrace, His shoulder to cry on, His hands to hold, and His feet to run to others in times of distress. Use me, Lord. The truest longing of my heart is to be thy servant of love.

The Story of the Hairdresser

I woke up one morning and had the idea to get a haircut. I was tired of styling my long hair. I wanted something really different but I was afraid to change. I looked at pictures online to get ideas. I found some pictures I liked, and, with phone in hand, I walked into the beauty salon.

I talked with the hairdresser and showed her the picture. I had long hair and wanted to go super short like a pixie cut. She looked at me kinda funny and began to lead me in a different direction with her questions. As she asked me for my preferences and gave her input, we both searched up topics rapidly on our individual phones. Finally, she said, “Voila! Here it is.”

She was right. The haircut pic was love at first sight. I asked her, “What search criteria did you look up?” She said, “Orange asymmetrical haircuts.” That was our aim. She wanted something face framing for me as she thought it would be the most flattering.

While she washed my hair in the shampoo bowl (this was Fantastic Sam’s, after all), I peppered her with questions: ”Do you think this will turn out? How difficult will it be to style? What color level is my hair? How does the color process work?” I went on and on.

Finally, she said, “Just trust me.” And I shut up.

While she was blow drying my hair, I had the following epiphany: I wondered if how I was with my hairdresser of peppering her with questions and not trusting in her, is how many of us (including myself) are with God or the Universe (insert your beliefs here). Except the questions are “Will my life turn out? Will I fulfill my mission? Why am I going through this? Do you know what you’re doing?” Finally, God says “Just trust me.”

Are we open to His suggestions of what would best suit us or do we sit in the heavenly beauty salon chair and argue with Him or not take His suggestions? Do we consult with God or do we just demand good haircuts like we demand for certain things to happen in our lives? Sometimes I go to the hairdresser or God with the craziest ideas or no idea at all of what I want for my hair or my life. I definitely need direction or the results could be disastrous (anyone ever had a bad haircut or a bad life decision?)

We come into this life with preconceived notions of what our life should be like, such as wanting a pixie haircut or a specific outcome of our life (love, fame, health, wealth, etc.) God knows what would suit us best and will steer us in that direction…if we let Him.

Sometimes He steers us in a different direction in our lives than what we intended. Do we trust Him? Or are we constantly worried and nervous while He is metaphorically cutting our hair (trimming us of our dead ends, shaping us up, giving us a whole new look or heart)? Are we afraid of changing our hair or our lives?

And we might just end up with a haircut even cuter and a life even better with His artistic hairdresser flare in our lives. Personally, I would love it if God were my hairdresser. I’m thankful He is so much more in my life. I know He has a plan for my hair and a plan for my life. Let's turn our hair and our lives over to God. He might just give us a makeover.

P.S. Thank you God for returning my spiritual feelings to me after a three year spiritual blackout.

P.PS. See Isaiah 55:8-9, Luke 12:7; Luke 21:18 for fun scriptures on God’s plans for us and hair.

A Night of Small Miracles with my Daughter

We had a fun Friday night together. Janessa collects Littlest Pet Shop figurines and heard online that some people had found some at Goodwill. Before we made the trek to the Goodwill in Salt Lake, I said a silent prayer that we’d find a Littlest Pet Shop figure. When we got to the store, the toy section looked puny and my hopes began to crash. But we looked anyway. Goodwill had the small toys assembled in grab bags hanging on the wall. Janessa looked on the lower racks and I looked above. Then I saw one. Janessa informed me that this was a Littlest Pet Shop and it was a rare one with glass eyes. In the same grab bag, was another Littlest Pet Shop figurine. Janessa expressed her gratitude for my prayer and for God helping us with this small miracle.

 

When we got home and she looked at the other items in her bag, she came across a Lucky Charms fortune teller where you click it and the dice is inside. The responses were Yes, No, Maybe, Doubtful, Try Again, Always. We spent the rest of the evening asking questions of the fortune teller. Most of the answers seemed plausible and even spooky. It was fun!

Later, Janessa curled up by me on the couch as I was writing. Then Janessa asked me what I usually write about. I was sad to say that it’s usually about my problems, how to get better and how to help people with similar problems. I showed her a book idea I was working on and she read aloud the following excerpt:

“Trust that the universe will take care of me. Enjoy each day! Await miracles. Don’t despair. Hang in there.”

At one point, Janessa said “Don’t disappear.” I wondered where that statement came from. Then I realized she said that instead of “Don’t despair.” I love it! She totally made my day.

If you’re ever feeling down, spend time with a child. You’ll leave with a stronger belief in miracles, dreams coming true and life is fun!

"What makes me special?," Asked my Child

I’ve spent some precious time recently with my 8 year old daughter Janessa. I was working on my laptop one night and Janessa came and curled up beside me. She asked, “What makes me special?” Then she wanted me to write down what made her special from anyone else in the world. She even had me do some breathing exercises to focus on what to write. I was trying to see if I could come up one liners that described her. I came up with eight statements; one for each year of Janessa:

Janessa is so cute and precious. So innocent and pure. She wanted a spoonful of chocolate frosting and ended up with a spoonful that was half the can of frosting! Devious little squirt…who pays me with hugs.

Janessa is made of sugar and can eat her weight in sugar.

Janessa has a soft gentle heart and a fun sense of humor.

Janessa pays for favors with her hugs. She once tricked her parents to buying her toys back from her.

Janessa is as magical as any fairy but as down to earth as any tree.

Janessa is kind and good and always says her prayers.

Janessa’s sweet whisper heals my heart and transforms my soul.

Her full teeth bare smile reminds me of a wolf or dog. She is genuinely herself and happy in her own skin.

Recently, I sent a card to Carinna (Janessa’s older sister) telling her what made her special with a list of attributes and the things I love about her. She loved it!

Kids love to hear about themselves. Spend an evening with a child telling them what makes them unique and special. Your children may even pay you with a hug, just like Janessa. Write down for a friend what makes them special. For a pick-me-up, write a list of attributes about yourself. Everyone is special and needs to be reminded of it from time to time.

Playing Peekaboo with God

Imagine a baby who had a close relationship with her parents and whose parents went on a date. What might the reactions of the baby possibly be when the baby can’t see her parents and feels alone? The baby might be sad, scared or even mad. The baby probably isn’t really mad at her parents; the baby just misses them. And just because the parents are out of the picture for an evening doesn’t mean the parents have forgotten the baby or love her less.

What if we apply this to adults and their relationship to their heavenly parent, God? Everybody wants to be close to God. When God is perceived as being distant from us, we might be sad, scared or even mad. Are we really mad at God? Well, sometimes. But more than anything, we miss the closeness to God. Does God love us less even though we can’t feel Him near? Definitely not.

Back to babies. When parents play peekaboo with their babies and put their hands over their face, the babies are disoriented when they can’t see their parents and may get upset. Do you know any adults who seem disoriented in this life? The babies become so distressed when they can’t even see their parents for a moment, just imagine the distress in our lives when we think we can’t see God for a moment! But God is always waiting behind the hands. But I believe it isn’t God’s hands as the barrier. I believe it’s our hands that separate us from God.

“Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God…” (Romans 8: 35, 38-39)

 

We have the power to pull down our hands down at any time and see God’s smiling face and feel the closeness again. When we see God at last, we might even laugh and clap our hands with joy like a little baby playing her favorite game...Peekaboo!

Want Peace of Mind? Try the Serenity Prayer

The words in the Serenity Prayer may seem simple but I assure you they are powerful. Give them a try!

I want to share something with you that has helped me immensely and given me peace of mind.

The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Yes, I know we’ve all heard the Serenity Prayer. I’ve only just started applying it in the past 6 months with rave results. I’ve found this prayer to be the solution for many ills. I know this prayer is recited at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and other 12-step programs. I think this prayer could help any ailment by applying its principles. I have the Serenity Prayer on my mirror which reminds me to use it every day. The prayer is among the best known but its nuances were lost on me until just recently. I’ve since found a treasure trove of insight and enlightenment.

Let’s break it down: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” As you wish, insert your own word (Infinite, Universe) instead of God. This prayer came along long before current writers on acceptance and “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.

Per Wikipedia, acceptance is about a person’s agreeing with reality (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest. The concept is close to acquiescence, derived from the Latin…(to find rest in).” The basic definition of acceptance means the act of taking or receiving something offered. Do we accept what life offers us, good or bad?

One of my favorite writers, Eckhart Tolle, wrote my favorite quote: “When you accept what is, every moment is the best moment. That is enlightenment.” This is my aim in life to take the good and bad equally without resisting.

Acceptance is contrasted with resistance, usually politically. But this can be applied to us as well. Do we accept or do we resist? If you’re not accepting something, especially when you cannot change it, it’s like banging your head against the wall. I’ve done this plenty of times and boy, does my head hurt. Not accepting only yields frustration and personal suffering. A Star Trek phrase of the enemy Borg taking over the universe is “Resistance is futile.” How true.

Now, every time I have a thought that yields emotional pain, I challenge the thought with the first part of the serenity prayer. If I’m worried about something, I ask myself “Can I change it?” If the answer is “no,” then I promptly let go of the thought. Any worries of the past can be promptly dismissed as they cannot be changed. Worries of the future usually can’t be changed and those thoughts can be dispensed with as well. This has greatly helped my worries. Each moment we choose freedom or frustration as we choose whether or not to believe lies of our mind.

Next, “courage to change the things I can.” This can be challenging to effect meaningful and lasting change in our lives. Some have espoused that this step should come first, action, before accepting what cannot be changed. Albert Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

Change is hard. People don’t usually change until they have to. "Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change." said Arthur Burt.

I live near a couple railroad tracks. One track is very active and the trains are moderate to quick-moving. The other railroad track is rarely used. But when a train does come, it will stop across the road for 20 minutes or more. Such was my lot a few days ago. I came across the train and it was stopped at a standstill. I happen to know a shortcut around the train track. It involves snaking through a neighborhood. Sometimes when I come out the other end, the train is gone and I wonder about my effort going around versus waiting. But this day, the train was still there and I was glad that I took the shortcut. As I considered it, I thought maybe it was good to go around the train either way than sit still. Taking action is always better than inaction.

The last part of the prayer is “wisdom to know the difference.” The philosopher W.W. Bartley combines Niebuhr's prayer with a Mother Goose rhyme and expresses a similar sentiment:

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it.

 

It does require wisdom and discernment. I used to have negative thoughts inundate my mind over 90% of the time. I was miserable most of the time. Now I’m beginning to get control over my negative thoughts and starting to feel greater peace. If we always knew the difference between action vs. inaction and acceptance versus resistance, then we would feel true peace of mind or serenity, as the title suggests. Eckhart Tolle said, “There, strength, peace and serenity are available when one stops struggling to resist, or hang on tightly to what is so in any given moment.” Here’s to greater peace of mind!

My Elf-like Spiritual Journey

I received a letter from one of my readers today that she felt a little spiritually empty and that reading my blog had helped. I realized that I haven’t shared much with my blog readership of my own battle with spiritual emptiness which is why I haven’t written much the past two years.

Two years ago I was going through a period of mania with my bipolar disorder (see the other tab “Bipolar Info & Tests” for a description on mania). One day I was a spiritually believing in my life-long religion and the next day I woke up and I didn’t believe any of it. Nor did I have any faith in God left. It was as if the spiritual rug was yanked out from under my feet. It was abrupt and shocking. I’ve spent the last two years trying to figure things out.

What I next describe will sound a bit like Elf going through the swirly twirly gumdrops and Lincoln Tunnel to get to New York City. I felt a spiritual void and began searching for meaning. First, I went to a Buddhist Temple for a while where I learned about impermanence and meditation. They didn’t believe in petitionary prayers or in God.

 

Next I went to the Center for Spiritual Living, a Science of Mind philosophy. I learned about the laws of attraction of bringing about what we desire. I liked their affirming prayers and trusting in the Universe. They also didn’t believe in God per se.

Then, a co-worker invited me to attend a Christian church with her. I attended a few non-denominational churches finding a small one near my home that I liked. Even though they tried to be accepting of other people, I still wondered about their stance on accepting everyone

Then I heard of Meetup app, a place for many different group meetings. I found myself slipping. The narrow foothold I had on faith was rapidly diminishing. I could feel that I was on my way to becoming agnostic which frightened me. How low could my doubts and questioning go? Well, I became agnostic and even attended a meeting once for atheists and agnostics. I don’t think I could ever become an atheist. As an agnostic, I haven’t ruled out God; I just don’t know.

 

In some ways, I am the same person. I still pray all the time; I read and ponder scriptures daily. I just don't feel much of anything. My spiritual journey reminds me of Mother Teresa’s journey. No one would ever doubt her spirituality. For the last 30-40 years of her life, she was in dark depression and didn’t feel close to God. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to be like Mother Teresa and go about doing good even without feeling close to God. I still attend my former faith as I'm able with my family. I've felt some desire to be aligned with them.

Is your spiritual gas tank low or on empty? You’re not in bad company with Mother Teresa. Do you need more spiritual octane? These days I fill up my spiritual tank with gratitude, noticing small miracles in my everyday life, and enjoying the present because life is a gift.  If there is a God, I know He’ll be understanding that I don’t feel the way I used to so I’ve been searching for truth in other areas. I'm more believing in God than not of late. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. May the love and lights of the holiday season help fill up your spiritual tank!

If Your Kids Know You Love Them, Then You’re Doing Great!

When I was a new mother, I’d hear other older mothers comment on how much they loved being a mother. I didn’t feel their same fervor at first. But, I’ve found over the years that the more I sacrifice for my children and am challenged personally, the more I love being a mother. Years later, if someone asked me now to tell them something about myself, I’d probably say “I love Indian and ethnic foods” and right after that, “I love being a mother.” I’ve had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I wish all the mothers in my life a wonderful day where you can feel how loved you are and the tremendous impact you've had on others for good.

This week leading up to Mother’s Day 2015 has been a good one. My oldest son is 18 years old and is trying to graduate from high school. He only had one packet left: dreaded math. On Wednesday, we had a math marathon where we did high school math for six hours. We met our goal and he has graduated from high school. I told him if he wanted to pay me back for all the hours I’ve helped him this past year, he could help me clean.

Well, on Saturday morning, I rallied the troops to help clean. My son had an errand to run but as soon as he got back, he came up to me and asked “What can I do to help?” He was very helpful. I said to him, “You’re a good son” He commented right back, “You’re a good mother.” He only says what he means, so this meant a lot to me. He even insisted that I have breakfast in bed on Mother's Day complete with chocolate muffins with fresh raspberries, smoothie and flowers (see below.)

 

My next child is a 15 year old daughter with special needs and a host of problems. I accompanied her to a four hour work training at Lagoon this week where she hopes to work if she can get a handle on her problems. I try to never lose hope on my children. Her special education teacher often reminds Carinna how she is lucky to have a Mom who cares about her so much to spend all this time with her.

Yesterday was a cold, rainy, miserable day. My 15 year old and 7 year old daughters wanted to go someplace indoors for some fun but had a hard time coming to agreement on where to go. I eventually decided not to go where my 15 year old daughter wanted to go, and, boy, was she mad and disappointed. I was hoping this could turn into a teaching moment. When we were alone, I shared a time with her when I was 14 years old and had a period in my life that was very disappointing and I felt very angry about it. She listened intently and afterward said “You always know how to make me feel better. I have so much to be thankful for. You’re the best Mom I could ever have.”

My little seven year old daughter reminds me of the simple pleasures and happiness of being a child. She loves the rain because of playing with the snails and potato bugs. She wondered if the next time we went to “Build a Bear Workshop” if I would say something silly to the cashier there. She wanted me to tell them that we had an idea for a new business, Build a Snail Workshop with little hats to put on the snail. I told her about how spontaneous I was in high school along with detailed stories. I still have no problems making a fool out of myself.

As I tucked Janessa into bed, she asked “Do you want to tell me anything else?” I said, “Yes, I love you very much.” She said “You tell me that every day. I know you love me.” That was good news!

Years earlier, we got new furniture for our family room and I told them not to eat or drink on the new couches. Sure enough, I came in one day to find them eating taffy with sticky hands and fingers on the couch. They were so sticky that they had taffy juice running down their chins. It didn’t occur to me to get angry.  I decided to break into song instead. I sang about how they shouldn’t eat or drink on the new furniture. When I was done singing, they said “Sing it again. Sing it again.” I’m not sure if they got the message of no food on the furniture, but I’m pretty sure they got the message that I loved them, the most important message, in my opinion.

If your kids know you love them, then you’re doing great! (We can always wipe down the couch later.)

Bring Out the Big Guns to Find What is Lost

“Mom!” I heard my seven year old daughter Janessa call from upstairs. She had dropped her tiny rubber shark toy and thought it bounced under my bed. She had looked for it with a flashlight to no avail. Time to bring out the big guns…Mom and her prayers. Janessa knew I always found what I lost and I was about to tell her my top secret. “I always pray and then I find what I’m looking for,” I said. “Can’t we do it some other way?” Janessa asked. “Can’t we just lift up the bed and look for it?” Janessa questioned. I told her that if she wanted my help, we needed to pray.

I accompanied Janessa upstairs wondering how I’d find such a tiny toy under my bed. I said a vocal prayer and included the line that Janessa would learn a lesson on prayer. After my prayer, Janessa asked what lesson she would learn. I told her she’d soon find out. I said my own internal prayer to be guided to find the toy. With flashlight in hand, I prepared to start looking under the bed. Before doing so, I noticed something small in the carpet outside the bed. I asked Janessa if the object was hers. She said, “That’s it!”

Janessa and I said a prayer of thanks and then she asked what lesson she was supposed to learn. I said one lesson was that whatever was important to us, no matter how small (as in tiny sharks), was important to God.

 

Janessa and I also discussed looking in the place we thought instead of where God wanted us to look. I take that as following God’s direction will help us find what our heart is truly seeking.

Little Sister is Funny Too! (Debut of little sister and Carinna with a s...

http://www.youtube.com/v/V2c5vOxkMg0?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=uScJTHR9IaZ9Lic4vcQ7Nw

Grandma and the Goat (my amazing daughter with special needs has a speci...

http://www.youtube.com/v/54bgXN_DEm8?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=joWPGvlDiRdr3Cpe24inAQ

Grandma and the Talking Banana (featuring special needs daughter and Mom...

http://www.youtube.com/v/rynEpOEv_0M?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&attribution_tag=mjz8oZUjfYZMpawFyHGSow&showinfo=1

Join the Love Revolution

You know how people judge each other by classification based on wealth, beauty, status, intelligence, and power? Well, what if society judged others on how well we loved each other? By how much love we held in our heart and loved others. How well would certain people stack up? The highest ranking would probably go to the people most looked down upon now. For instance, special needs individuals are looked down upon for their low IQ (intelligence quotient) but give out the most love and have the most zest for life. However, they have a high LQ (love quotient-I just made that up).

In a society based on love, individuals with special needs would be ranked highly. Wealthy people who happen to be selfish (I realize not all wealthy people are selfish) would be ranked low. However, the selfish may not be looked down upon because the society is based on love and those in high positions of love would just love them as the selfish are the needy ones now. As I've shared this concept with others, they immediately say "that will never happen" or "it will be a very long time until it does." I agree things won't change overnight. But I am personally committed to do all I can to make a society based on love happen. Will you join the cause of the love revolution? Enlist today.

The Funnest General Conference Ever!

Preparations began in the morning. I researched and printed out fun activities for the kids. Janessa pasted together the bingo cards. Carinna divvied out the M&M’s and other candies for bingo and just for eating, putting a few extra in her own bag. Ron roused our teenage son Ryan out of bed. We all met at 10 am MST in our family room to watch two hours of church on TV (the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, held two weekends a year for the 15 million members worldwide.) Normally, this is an endurance test for kids and parents alike. But today was surprisingly different.

Carinna and Janessa had a sheet to checkmark every time they saw things like a men’s tie, glasses, the organ… When the TV camera panned across the 21,000 LDS members attending the conference where it was being broadcast, Janessa tried to keep up checking off all the ties she saw on all the men there. Bingo became quite competitive to see who would hear a bingo topic first and win. I was surprised how well the children listened and picked up on the topics being addressed.

Then the real fun began. Every time I stood up to mark my bingo page on the coffee table, one or more of my children would pile clothes or stuffed animals on my seat for me to sit back on. Janessa would say “The speaker said ‘love’ Mom, mark it on your bingo.” I’d get up to mark it on my bingo and sure enough, I sat back down on a pile of clothes or stuffed animals. Then Janessa would say, “I tricked you, Mom. The speaker didn’t say ‘love.’” I feigned surprise each time and the game went on and on. We tickled, joked and laughed.

There were coloring contests of who could color the best picture of the prophet and first presidency, including accurate tie color. Did you notice the prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, wore a purple tie? During the closing song, we took turns lip syncing in an operatic style to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The more dramatic, the better. I thought I was watching Mr. Bean lip sync in the movie “Mr. Bean’s Holiday.” Toward the end of the Sunday morning session of General Conference, I blurted out, “This was the funnest General Conference ever!” Everyone laughed and agreed.

During the closing prayer, I held Janessa close in my arms. After the prayer, Ryan and Carinna played Adventure Time and were having a sword fight with Carinna’s new Finn’s Golden Sword. Ron asked Carinna if she wanted to go to Grandma’s house. Carinna said “No, I want to hang out with Ryan.” I never thought I would hear those words come from her lips with how they usually get along. More fun ensued with eating chips with lunch (Carinna’s favorite) and talk of making brownies or cookie dough with M&M’s later in the afternoon. Isn't life good?!

Before conference, Janessa was looking for an object and we said a prayer and found it. I said “Prayer works” and Janessa shared her witness of prayer working in finding other lost objects. During lunch, Carinna and I spoke of how we only have afflictions during this life and how our bodies will be perfect when we’re resurrected like Jesus. Carinna asked, “You mean I won’t have anxiety anymore?” I replied in the affirmative. Then Carinna exclaimed, “I can’t wait to get to heaven!” I kinda felt like I had a glimpse of heaven today. I can’t say our watching General Conference was the most reverent, but the kids were engaged, having fun and feeling love. It truly was the “funnest General Conference ever!”

Don’t Worry, Be Happy…Now

Many people live in the past of what might have been or remember past regrets or hurts. Many people live in the future of worrying about what may or may not ever happen. When it comes to happiness, most people live in the future deciding they will only be happy when they get a better job, a better body, a better relationship, etc. 

I believe few people have found the secret to being happy now and being content with what they have. Dale Carnegie said, “Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get”

Why keep putting off happiness? Why spend so much time and mental exertion worrying?  Jesus taught that we should not worry about what tomorrow may or not bring. Phillipians 4:6 says “be anxious for nothing” and Matthew 6:34 says "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself."

Worry and fear are the antithesis of faith. If we want less worry in our lives, we need to have more faith. We need to trust God has a plan for our lives, He knows what He is doing and that He really wants our happiness.  Henry Ford said, "I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about."

I love what Mahatma Gandhi had to say, "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever." Ouch! Easier said than done but that quote was a wakeup call for me.

The song, “Don’t worry, be happy” may seem too carefree an answer for life’s questions but I believe there is much truth in the Jamaican song by Bobby McFerrin: 

“In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don’t worry, Be Happy.” 

Eckhart Tolle supports living in the present or now and said “When you accept what is, every moment is the best moment…That is the meaning of enlightenment.” 

I have found that being happy isn’t just a coincidence or a byproduct of good fortune; it’s a decision. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to be happy now. I can also choose not to worry. Leo Buscaglia said, "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." I can choose to be thankful for everything God has given me at this moment. I can choose to have faith that God will care for me just as He cares for the “lilies of the field” (Matthew 6:28)

What about legitimate concerns to worry about, “Where will my next paycheck come from? How can I save my marriage? How can I help my wayward child?” God gave this answer and solution: “Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?...For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:31-33)

Martin Luther said "Pray, and let God worry." I think it’s good to give it to God. But I doubt God worries at all. God is a magnificent being of total faith and forward movement. We can try to follow God’s perfect example. St. Augustine wisely said, “Pray as if everything depends on God, work as if everything depends on you.”  

Jason Gray wrote a Christian song called “Good to be Alive.” I echo his words:

“I wanna live like there's no tomorrow
Love like I'm on borrowed time
It's good to be alive
I won’t take it for granted
I won’t waste another second
All I want is to give you
A life well lived, to say ‘thank you’”

I hope you’ll join me in a renewed effort to trust in God and to choose not to worry but to be happy now. We’re in God’s hands so what do we have to worry about? And what better way to show we’re grateful and trust in God than to be choose to be happy now?