Two years ago I was going through a period of mania with my
bipolar disorder (see the other tab “Bipolar Info & Tests” for a description
on mania). One day I was a spiritually believing in my life-long religion and the next day I woke
up and I didn’t believe any of it. Nor did I have any faith in God left. It was as
if the spiritual rug was yanked out from under my feet. It was abrupt and
shocking. I’ve spent the last two years trying to figure things out.
What I next describe will sound a bit like Elf going through
the swirly twirly gumdrops and Lincoln Tunnel to get to New York City. I felt a
spiritual void and began searching for meaning. First, I went to a Buddhist
Temple for a while where I learned about impermanence and meditation. They didn’t
believe in petitionary prayers or in God.
Next I went to the Center for Spiritual Living, a Science of
Mind philosophy. I learned about the laws of attraction of bringing about what we
desire. I liked their affirming prayers and trusting in the Universe. They also
didn’t believe in God per se.
Then, a co-worker invited me to
attend a Christian church with her. I attended a few non-denominational
churches finding a small one near my home that I liked. Even though they tried
to be accepting of other people, I still wondered about their stance on accepting everyone
Then I heard of Meetup app, a place for many different group
meetings. I found myself slipping. The narrow foothold I had on faith was
rapidly diminishing. I could feel that I was on my way to becoming agnostic
which frightened me. How low could my doubts and questioning go? Well, I became
agnostic and even attended a meeting once for atheists and agnostics. I don’t think
I could ever become an atheist. As an agnostic, I haven’t ruled out God; I just
don’t know.
In some ways, I am the same person. I still pray all the time; I read and ponder scriptures daily. I just don't feel much of anything. My spiritual journey reminds me of Mother Teresa’s journey. No one would ever doubt her spirituality. For the last 30-40 years of her life, she was in dark depression and didn’t feel close to God. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to be like Mother Teresa and go about doing good even without feeling close to God. I still attend my former faith as I'm able with my family. I've felt some desire to be aligned with them.
Is your spiritual gas tank low or on empty? You’re not in
bad company with Mother Teresa. Do you need more spiritual octane? These days I fill up my spiritual tank with gratitude, noticing small miracles in my everyday life, and enjoying the present because life is a gift. If there is a God, I know He’ll be
understanding that I don’t feel the way I used to so I’ve been searching for
truth in other areas. I'm more believing in God than not of late. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. May the love and lights of the holiday season help fill
up your spiritual tank!
