Hope for Suicide

It was recently brought to my attention that someone I don’t know found solace in my blog after a loved one committed suicide. This issue has been on my mind recently. There have been times I know I’ve helped prevent a suicide. But there have also been times when everyone missed it (I still cry, even now). This statistic is on my blog “as many as one in five patients with bipolar disorder completes suicide" (National Institute of Mental Health). My local chapter of DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) recently discussed suicidal thoughts. The following summary was made by the local chapter leader: “It is very easy when this disorder is raging for suicidal thoughts to enter. At the time it can seem very reasonable to come to the conclusion that our family, friends and others would be better off without us. When these thoughts are persistent it is a clear indication that we need to change our treatment strategy. A healthy mind does not think suicidal thoughts. The more managed the disorder is the less often these thoughts will occur.”

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1692

I was blown away by an article in my newspaper yesterday about suicidal thoughts versus actions.  The headline read: “1 in 15 Utahns consider suicide.” From a recent study, Utah ranks first in the nation with 6.8% thinking about suicide. Georgia ranked last in the nation at 2.1% or 1 in 50 people considering suicide. The Midwest and West were slightly higher than the Northeast or South. No explanation was given for these differences but it was pointed out that no one is immune from this malady. The study showed 1.5 percent of Utahns planned to commit suicide while only .5 percent attempted it. The report shows that there are opportunities to intervene before someone dies by suicide. In another Utah report, men and women age 85 and older had the highest prevalence of suicidal thoughts, followed by men and women ages 18-24. In both age groups, women had the higher percentage of contemplating taking their lives.

Mental health professionals relate that people who talk about suicide should be taken seriously and should seek help. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255 in the US. I am not immune from these thoughts and I have been hospitalized over this issue. I have had medication changes and now have hope, like a sunrise. I pray if any of you are suffering over this issue, that you will find solace and help. I also pray we will be able to create an open dialogue and be able to prevent more suicides. Those suffering with suicidal thoughts deserve another sunrise.

Surfin' through Life

I grew up in Florida going to Florida beaches. What I loved most was to boogie board or body surf. The principles were the same. When a large wave starts to head toward shore, then turn toward shore and start paddling fast. Hopefully, the wave will pick you up on the way to the shore and you’ll get a fun ride.  You might call this, “Go with the flow” and not resisting. An opposite way would be to get upset that waves come at the beach and to turn toward the waves and scream and hit them. The waves would still come regardless of either method. Wouldn’t you agree?

I have discovered that much unhappiness in life comes from resisting the things that come our way. Just like waves, we can get upset about trials in our lives. We can throw a tantrum that trials come our way or we can realize trials come in life and choose our response. A positive way is to choose to accept. Eckhart Tolle said "Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Work with it, not against it.” I wrote on my bathroom mirror recently: “Accept. Don’t resist!” as a reminder to myself.

I admit that I’m a trekkie. Whenever I heard the enemy “Borg” say “Resistance is futile,” I twinged. But if the Borg were trials in my life, perhaps they were being kind to tell me that resistance doesn’t help. This is still one of my favorite quotes by Eckhart Tolle: “When you accept what is, every moment is the best moment. That is enlightenment.”

We can either surf our way through life on a wild ride or resist any trials, which only make us stronger anyway. (This is not meant to make light of people who suffer.) I read some surfer lingo on http://www.riptionary.com/ that said: “A spiritual place when everything seems to be in synch...the wave, the surfer and the board are one entity. When a surfer achieves this he's said to have the...glide.” This sounds like enlightenment to me. Let’s pull out our surf boards and glide our way through life.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2285

Sleep is Overrated

When I had fibromyalgia, I had no energy and slept longer than usual. I never felt refreshed when I woke up no matter how long I slept.  In the spring of 2003, I woke up one day with more energy than normal. This higher energy level continued and I began to need little if any sleep. I praised God and thought I had been cured of fibromyalgia.  Little did I know that I was experiencing a symptom of bipolar mania. (Mania and hypomania are on the high end of bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety are on the low end.) One of the first symptoms of bipolar mania is you don’t need sleep. I am not joking. I could go, go, go and never miss not sleeping, for months on end. Other symptoms followed, like rapid speech, racing thoughts, delusions of grandeur, increased libido, reckless driving and increased spending.

Since being diagnosed, I can notice the first step down the trail of mania is I can’t sleep.  This lack of sleep is like a high, a constant adrenaline rush. One psychiatrist told me: “Sleep is the guardian of sanity.”  Amen to that. Without sleep, I quickly go insane. Many scientific studies attest that anyone who goes without sleep long enough begins to go insane.  Before I was diagnosed, I thought it was cool that I didn’t need sleep. I thought, “Who needs sleep?” and “Sleep is so overrated.” I thought, “I can get so much more done in a day without sleep.” 

 One of my favorite 80’s movies, “Real Genius,” came out in 1985 with Val Kilmer. Whenever I was manic, I would think of this film. I even watched it once while I was manic. One of the characters was a girl who didn’t need sleep, ever. She accomplished all sorts of fantastic feats while everyone else slept.  Before diagnosis with bipolar mania, I thought this character was amazing and that I was just like this character. She spoke really fast too, and had a short dark bob haircut just like me.

I think my favorite movie character who didn’t need sleep and spoke fast could have bipolar disorder. If you ever come across someone who doesn’t sleep and doesn’t miss it, believe me, they could be either mentally ill or on their way there. Now, I take medication to help me sleep. I have an emergency plan in place if I begin to have difficulties sleeping. I take my medication at the same time each night and I go to bed at the same time.  You could say I take sleep very seriously. I think now, “Sleep is not overrated.”

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Human Pinball

One day in the spring of 2002, I had a very tedious day at work. I was shot, really worn out. I worked up Big Cottonwood Canyon in Salt Lake City and had to drive 40 minutes home. One section (on      I-80 West headed to North I-15) I needed to drive a narrow one lane road which curved and was surrounded by concrete barriers. I must have been a little distracted as I started to veer off the left side of the road and hit some gravel. I thought I could quickly regain control of my Ford Taurus but I was wrong.

My car and I soon became a human pinball. My car hit the left side of the concrete barriers, then hit the right side of the concrete barriers, then hit all four corners of my vehicle as I rotated and turned. When my car came to a stop, I soon realized that I was facing the wrong direction. Upcoming cars would not be able to see me until it was too late. I said a prayer and discovered that the only way out was a         three-point turn. I anxiously and quickly maneuvered and pulled over to a small space on the right-hand side.  As soon as I did this, several cars whizzed past me. If they had come a moment earlier, I wouldn’t be writing this blog now.

I thought about what I could learn from being a human pinball. You might be surprised. I already knew the obvious, that I’m supposed to be alive and that I have a purpose in this life. I was going through serious trials, as usual. But this was the lesson I learned. My trials are like dings in a car. Like my car, I may get dings in this life but I’m still alive and okay. It's just a ding. It can be fixed. I don’t need to sweat the small stuff. I may barely miss being taken out of this life but I’m going to make it. Perhaps my trials are really as small as pinballs in the grand scheme of things.

Strong Enough

Recently, I was corresponding with a dear friend who has more trials than anyone I know. I texted her:  “You must be very strong to face all you face. You may have not beaten a lion yet but you’re in there fighting him. In time, you will beat him. Then others will see how strong you are.” I like the image of fighting an unseen lion, very real to the person fighting it while oblivious to others. What are your unseen lions?  I started to write down some of my unseen lions and I found it to be quite depressing. So, I’d rather focus on triumphing over our unseen lions or foes.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I came across a song called “Strong Enough” by Matthew West. He wrote an album based on people’s experiences. He related that a young lady had many trials. He told her that God doesn’t give us more than we’re strong enough to bear. Then, this young lady replied, “Then God must think I’m very strong.” I loved her attitude! The first line in the song, “Strong Enough” is “You must think I’m strong to give me what I’m going through.” Whatever you believe about God or the Universe, I believe that we are meant to succeed.  Sometimes it takes many years or decades to beat unseen lions but I know you can. Don’t give up hope.  You may not be super strong but you are “strong enough.”

Lessons with Toddlers and Soda

I took my toddler to a fast food restaurant recently. Every time we go there, she asks for a drink. And every time, I turn her down due to the price and since she never drinks much of the drink. Well, that day I said “yes.” I thought this would be relatively simple. I told her the choices of pink lemonade, fruit punch, sprite or root beer. She asked for pink lemonade. I filled her cup part-way. She tried it and said it was “too sour.” I poured it out. I asked her what she wanted. She said, ”lemonade.” I told her she had just tried it and said it was sour.

At this point, I noticed an older gentleman waiting to get his drink. I could imagine him thinking that in his generation, the Mom just gave the kid a drink and the kid drank it. I tried to move out of the gentleman’s way by moving to the side, but I never quite got out of his way.  My daughter was taste-testing and patience-testing for me, while the line quickly formed behind us. So I said, “How ‘bout fruit punch?” I filled the cup again and was rejected again. I mentioned root beer and sprite but she wanted pink lemonade. I quickly relayed she said it was “sour” before, but she was insistent as toddlers can be. Lesson 1: Reasoning with a young child rarely works.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1758

So, as an “understanding” mother, I poured the pink lemonade again.  My toddler rejected it yet again. But I wasn’t giving up. I offered to add sprite to the lemonade—which I did. She tried it and didn’t like it. I was beginning to feel guilty about all the soda I was wasting, so I poured the mixture into my own cup. “What do you want to drink?” “Fruit punch,” she said. “But you tried it and didn’t like it.” Anyone experiencing déjà vu? I poured the fruit punch yet again, bracing myself for her response. Lesson 2: No more toddlers choosing fountain drinks.

My daughter tried the fruit punch. Drum roll please…she liked it. I quickly filled her cup with fruit punch and got out of the long line.  We took our food and carefully selected drinks to a table and sat down. As she started to drink her drink, my daughter exclaimed “This is my best day ever!” Lesson 3: Let children make choices as it builds their self-esteem and it could just be their best day ever.

Quotable Casandra, Part 1

(From journals, April 2011)

"I wish our lives were like a DVR, so we could skip the parts we don’t like."

"I live life moment by moment. I have no guarantees."

"Life is very suspenseful. It’s like an operation. Will I pull out of it? Only heaven knows."

"Things are making sense…weird!"

"I’ve never felt so grounded before. I could be a tree."

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=587

"I will get there when I get there."

"I follow the hearse. I watch it go past my street and I scream to the skies:

I  AM ALIVE!"

"We think we’re in control.

We think we’re all alone.

Wrong, on both counts."

"Look up at the sky. All we get is a sunrise and sunset each day. Anything else is bonus."

You Are More Than Your Disease

When I had fibromyalgia for over twenty years (before it changed to bipolar disorder), I had low energy and chronic pain. I would need to crawl on the floor to pick up anything in my house. I looked “okay” on the outside so people expected me to be able to act “okay.” I felt lame and doubted if I’d ever feel better. In our society, we are measured by what we “do” (What do you do for a living? What are your hobbies? What does your spouse do?). To have a disease where you can’t “do,” it’s hard to feel you measure up. People don’t go around asking, “What type of person are you? What trials have you faced? Who are you when you don’t have to do anything?” One day in the checkout stand of a grocery store, I flipped through Oprah’s magazine. I saw a concept that changed my outlook and changed my life. In essence, it said, “You may have this _________ disease, but that is not who you are.” I had never heard of such a concept, that I could be more or different than my disease…that, in fact, I am NOT my disease. I just have it. A wise friend of mine said, “While it affects us, it does not define us.” Over the years, I came to realize that I am worthwhile even if I can "do" nothing.

It can be difficult for individuals to distinguish themselves from the illness. I’ve observed individuals who are newly diagnosed or in the earlier stages of bipolar disorder seem to have a harder time telling themselves apart from the disease. I always like to switch roles. Would you say someone with diabetes is no more than their disease and is not separate from the disease? Of course not. However, I can understand how an individual could feel this way. When your life is overrun and appears to be ruled in every aspect by your disease, how you feel, perceive and do, it gets easier to forget the real you still exists. Just imagine if the disease that overruns and rules every aspect of your life were little terrorists. Would you say these little terrorists define you, that now they ARE you? Would you say they are holding the real you hostage and will never release you, so they must now be you? It doesn’t add up. It’s just like a sweater. I may wear the same sweater all the time but it’s not me. People may come to know me as the woman in the green sweater, but it’s still not me. I am convinced that one day I will be able to take the sweater of bipolar disorder off and everyone will see me for who I truly am.

I know it's difficult..but try to remember you are more than your disease.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499

Who else does this speak to?

A Milk Bubbles Kind of Day

I awoke and walked out of my bedroom. In the hallway was a wizard, my toddler, who cast a spell on me with her magic wand: “I will turn you into a frog.” “Ribbit, ribbit,” I said as I jumped.  My daughter had milk to drink with her breakfast. She blew milk bubbles with her straw and then did something surprising to me. She took her spoon and began to eat the milk bubbles. She blew milk bubbles over and over again until they overflowed and then scooped them up with her spoon and ate them. Then, we went to Lagoon, Utah’s lone amusement park. I noticed she did the same thing on every ride. Whether it was a swings ride or a rocket ship ride, my daughter outstretched both arms into flying motion and was in flight. On a ride similar to Dumbo the Elephant ride, my daughter couldn’t get her ladybug off the ground. I coached her after the ride to pull back on the joystick to go up. She got on the ride and tried again. It took about half the ride for her to take flight. Then I noticed that she had one hand on the joystick and one arm outstretched in flight. She was in her own world of childhood wonder.

I marveled at the delight of a child. When funky music played, she danced and sang along whether or not she knew the tune. We spent part of our day at the water park. I initially sat on the ground to watch her play. Then my daughter came to me with an outstretched hand and pleadingly invited, “Come play with me.” How could I resist? After going down one slide, I was crouched in the water and my daughter came up and gave me such a big hug, it bowled me over. I ended up with an owie on my elbow, which is perfect for a day of playing with a child. What if we, as adults, used our imagination, were spontaneous, weren’t afraid to try or to try again, believed in our dreams and in ourselves, and invited others to simply play? At the end of the day, I asked my daughter what milk bubbles taste like. I looked forward to a magical answer, such as “Ice cream fairyland” or “Angel cotton candy.” My daughter looked at me kinda funny and replied, “Milk. It’s just made of milk.”

So, if you'd like to feel like a child, try blowing milk bubbles today.

Don't Talk Back to Your Sensei

Note to those who suffer:  I don’t blame anyone for calling out or questioning why they are suffering for so long. I’ve been there. I hope this article gives a different perspective and hope.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=879

There was a time I feared for my life and enrolled in a self-defense class. Actually, it was a street fighting class with Muay Thai boxing thrown in (muggers, watch out!) My sensei commanded the utmost respect. He was wise. I knew I could trust him. He was kind, yet firm. I kept forgetting to keep my hands up by my face in case of an attack. So, my sensei kindly whacked me on my head until I remembered. Now, I never forget to keep my hands up and protect my head. I proceeded to progress through the ranks but sometimes I thought I should progress faster. Why haven’t I gotten my second black stripe on my belt yet? Doesn’t he see I’m ready? I’ve learned all I need to move on. What is he thinking? Could we move a little faster? I couldn’t imagine going up to my wise, kind (and incredibly strong) sensei and telling him I was ready to move on and get my next belt. How presumptuous. He was the teacher. He knew far more than me. How disrespectful could I get?

Then, I had an epiphany. (Whatever you believe about God, a higher power, please insert next.) How many of us call out to God or the Universe and say, “Okay. I’ve learned what I needed to from this trial. I’m ready to move on. You can take away this trial now. I don’t know what you’re thinking. Could we move a little faster?” How many times do I question God without remembering that He is the teacher and I am the student and I have things to learn? Do I trust him and believe He knows best when I am truly ready to move on? Our spiritual sensei may have wisdom that we do not. This new perspective has helped me be more accepting of my life as I reach toward enlightenment. Just remember in spiritual matters as in life: 

Don’t Talk Back to Your Sensei!

When you accept what is, every moment is the best moment. 

That is enlightenment.   –Eckhart Tolle

Football Ice Cream: Who wins?

This was a fun, interactive activity which required teamwork and everyone enjoyed the results.

Football Ice Cream Recipe
Pour into quart size ZIPLOC bag:
 1 cup whipping cream
 1 cup half & half (fat-free type can be used for slightly less creamy consistency)
 ½ cup sugar
 1 tsp vanilla
 Optional: fruit, chocolate syrup, etc.

 

Seal out air and place in gallon size ZIPLOC bag. Then surround smaller bag with ice and add ¼ cup (or more) rock salt. Make sure to get the air out of both bags before sealing. Then wrap in 5-6 layers of newspaper and bundle up with sturdy tape (packing tape or wide masking tape works well.) until the package is tight and compact. Throw back and forth for 20 minutes. Try not to drop it or the bags might break open. When opening, be careful not to get the salt inside the ice cream bag. Serves 2 people.

FAMILY CHALLENGE

My family had two teams and two ice cream packages to see who could freeze the hardest, creamiest football ice cream. Team A consisted of me and my teenage son. We threw the football ice cream hard and dropped it a couple times. Salty ice water began to leak. Team B consisted of my husband and our two younger daughters. They quickly tired of throwing the football. Out of pity, I suggested they try the trampoline. So, they all bounced on the trampoline along with the football ice cream. I began to worry that the trampoline might be a more effective method of freezing ice cream. Plus, Team A’s ice cream was leaking salty water like crazy.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1722

Victory time: We carefully unwrapped both football's. One team’s ice cream reigned supreme, frozen hard and creamy. Which method is better, the hard throw of a football or the bounce of a trampoline? The results were close but a football throw won it. Team A was victorious but we gladly ate up all the ice cream. One of my daughters said, “This was the best family activity, EVER!” Who can argue with that?!

Bipolar Sky

I recently flew from the Rocky Mountains to my childhood homes of Florida and Georgia. Somehow the trip was too stressful on my body and I experienced problems (mixed cycling) with my bipolar disorder. On the flight back, I recalled another flight I took when I was in college. As I looked out of the window at that time, all I saw were sunshine and blue skies. Then the weather changed and I flew over a dark storm. But I was so high above the storm that I could see the end of the storm and the blue skies that surrounded it.  Talk about perspective! I thought how someone in that storm might not realize sunshine is just around the corner.

When I’m down on the ground and my life changes from sunny skies to a storm, sometimes the storm goes on for a very long time. I begin to forget the days of sunny skies. I wonder “when” or even “if” my storm of personal trials and challenges will ever end. However, we don’t know exactly when blue skies may reappear.  Have you ever watched the movie, “The African Queen,” the classic film with Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn?  My favorite scene is near the end when they have been trudging through the swamps and have used up their last supplies and have lost all hope. They resign themselves to die that night. The next morning the camera pans upon their surroundings and it’s clear they have reached the end of their swamp and they are free. Sunshine returned.

If you’re slugging your way through a trial, I am so sorry. Remember you don’t have the perspective of being high in a plane and seeing when your sunny skies will begin again. Please don’t give up hope. As a result of my bipolar problems on my trip, I had my medication changed. Now, for the first time, I feel well enough to start following my dreams. My storm finally turned to blue skies. Writing this blog is living proof.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=149