A Camping Miracle

I just thought I’d share a mini-miracle that showed me God is real. Some of you know that I searched for spiritual answers awhile back and was agnostic for a second before returning to the faith of my youth.

Recently, I went on a camping trip with my family to Castle Rock campground in central Utah. We have camped there every summer for over 20 years. All my kids went and it was great. They didn’t argue as much and the long car ride was much more peaceful. We camped for two nights.

I slept in a tent with my teenage daughter with special needs. One night, she needed to pee really bad in the middle of the night. She was pressuring me to find a flashlight and zip open the tent so she could make it outside in time. I was flustered and tried to open the tent door quickly. This only got the zipper very stuck. My daughter was insistent that she get out of the tent and I was fighting with the zipper. I knew she would have an accident very soon if I didn’t get that tent door open…pronto.

Finally, I said a prayer aloud. And, as I did, I felt power course through me to the zipper and it opened as easy as butter to a hot knife. My daughter made it out of the tent just in the nick of time. I sat back in the tent, amazed at what had just occurred. Wow, God is real and He immediately answered my prayer in an unmistakable way. As I write this now, tears fill up my eyes. A few have overflowed.

If any of you wonder if God is real or if He really hears our prayers and can answer them, I am here to witness that He is real and that your prayers are indeed heard. Why did I have a time of spiritual doubt? I'm not really sure. But I know God knows why and that is good enough for me. My impression and hope is so that I will be an even better witness for Him. God knows I chose Him after looking at a lot of other options.

I had faith that God could open that tent zipper and I called upon God for His help. If God helped me with a tent zipper, how much more is He willing and interested in helping in even more important areas of our lives? In my experience, God is very interested in us and in our lives. Dang it, I can’t stop crying. This camping miracle was a spiritual breakthrough for me. I hope it will be for you.

Are You a Worry Wart? I was!

I needed to take my son to Salt Lake Community College for placement testing. In the past, I would’ve worried and dreaded everything in advance. How to get there? How to find the building on campus? How to find parking? How to find the room? What would I talk with my son about in the car? Would the drive be awkward?

That’s a lot of questions and worries. But that’s not what I did today. I trusted God and the Universe. I gave thanks. Mentally, I let go. I didn’t live in regret of the past nor live in dread of the future. I believed that things would eventually work out. And, if they didn’t, I would still be okay. I mean, the birds are still singing. God takes care of them…so why not me?!

I PLACED NO EXPECTATIONS ON THE FUTURE. This is different than placing hope in the future. I simply lived my life in the moment.

If you don’t have expectations or rather fixations of the future, then you won’t be disappointed and your brain won’t get stuck. You won’t let your brain down. Then your brain won’t throw a tantrum, giving you emotional distress. Let go of the future so you can live in the present.

While waiting for my son to complete his college testing, I ate lunch across the street at A&W. Normally, I would’ve worried about crossing a busy street (Redwood Rd).  But I decided to slow down my thoughts and trust. As I approached the busy road, all was clear and I easily crossed it.

Why do we make life more difficult than it needs to be? If I had worried in advance about crossing the busy street, it would’ve wasted mental energy and left me feeling distressed, no matter the outcome. I would’ve stressed myself out. How many of us do this? I think far too many of us. I know I sure did.

There was a time near the beginning of my anxiety that I couldn’t stand to be alone or rather be alone with my thoughts. I had to be constantly busy to avoid my thoughts. I even asked my mother-in-law to help me, which she graciously did, although she didn’t understand what I was going through. My mother-in-law would have me come over a couple times a week to help her tie quilts. I had no interest in these activities. I just needed my brain and time occupied and to not feel alone; because feeling alone is scary.

Back then, if I didn’t have all my time planned out for the day, I would panic mentally. I couldn’t make decisions in the moment. My brain was so panicky that I couldn’t even plan what to have for dinner. Therapists would just suggest helps for meal planning but that wasn’t the problem. They didn’t get anxiety or what I refer to as brain attacks.

Some people have heart attacks. I had brain attacks. My brain would—in essence—malfunction. My brain would freeze up in panic and it was not a pleasant feeling. It was completely unnerving and unsettling. A brain attack is similar to trying to drive a manual stick shift car on a busy highway while stuck in a gear. My brain gets stuck in ruts and mental gears.

I have monitored my mental status and progress over the years by how well I think when I don’t have to think and I’m alone with my thoughts. A few examples include what do you think about when you’re taking a shower, doing meditation or watching a movie in the movie theater.

Of course, some worries and extraneous thoughts will naturally surface. It's usually fairly easy to acknowledge a thought and then return to stillness. I find the best indicator of my mental wellness is my back thoughts while I’m watching a movie in a dark theater. Am I worried about one or more items? Am I preoccupied? Can I focus on the movie or am I habitually drawn to my back thoughts?

Usually, I am anxious, worried and preoccupied behind the scenes while watching a movie. Recently, I watched “Wonder Woman” on a date. I don’t recall feeling worried or having troublesome thoughts percolate up to the surface of my awake mind.

Also, now I feel comfortable to be alone with my thoughts. When I had time to kill, I would usually read a book. Reading books is great and many things can be learned from them. But now, I just contemplate and meditate. I am still. And that’s a very good place to be.

I have reduced stress in my life right now. I’m not working or going to school. I'm just with my kids this summer. I’m sure that’s partially the reason for my serene stillness. But my hope is that I can keep some of the serenity I have now when stress is reintroduced into my life. I plan to start working again soon. I’m also starting a Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling later this summer.

I have spent years attempting to retrain my brain. I think training a brain is harder than training a puppy. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve come a long way from my early days of needing my thoughts occupied every moment. I’m sure there will be setbacks and ups and downs. I do have bipolar disorder so that is bound to happen. But I never thought I’d be mentally well after 14 years of being mentally ill. Is it possible? Am I dreaming? If so, please don’t burst my bubble.

What I Learned From Captain Jack Sparrow

My son really wanted me to see the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie with him. I hadn’t watched any of the prior four Pirates movies so my son had me watch the first Pirates movie on Netflix so I would have at least a basic understanding of the characters and plot. Even having done so, I had some gaps in my understanding when I went to watch the fifth movie installation. 

But, one thing was clear: Captain Jack Sparrow (played by Johnny Depp) was still the same and up to his old antics. I’m not sure why but this time I saw Captain Jack Sparrow in a whole new light. I saw him more for his virtues than his vices. This is what I learned from Captain Jack Sparrow as I watched his character on the big screen:

I’m not sure how much of his character was from the rum or hot Caribbean sun but I liked his easy going, go with the flow attitude. He never seemed to worry…period, whether he was about to be hanged or have his head cut off with a guillotine. Captain Jack Sparrow just went his gut instinct, trusting that things would work out somehow. Doesn’t life seem to work itself out most of the time? How much of our time is spent worrying about things we cannot change or may never happen?

Captain Jack Sparrow was all about living in the moment, enjoying himself, finding humor in every situation and never second guessing himself. He doesn’t take himself or life too seriously. I’m sure we all have known people who took life a little too seriously.

Captain Jack Sparrow seemed happy to be himself, quirks and all. He also didn’t seem to be particularly concerned about what others thought of him. He didn’t worry about this and he wasn’t a people pleaser. He was just true to himself.

The character of Captain Jack Sparrow was extremely likeable. He made lots of mistakes but people couldn’t seem to stay mad at him for very long, except for some questionable women and cursed pirates.

Another aspect of Captain Jack Sparrow’s character that I liked was his persistence. Even when he fails, he picks himself back up and tries again. The Captain doesn’t seem to dwell on the past and kick himself for errors. As mentioned, he also doesn’t worry about the future. He simply lives in the moment, taking life as it comes. I think there is a lot to say for that. Many people spend a lifetime trying to accomplish living in the moment and truly enjoying life.

It’s fun to watch Captain Jack Sparrow in action. He is so resourceful and stumbles into solutions by accident or serendipity. He is spontaneous, willing to take on new adventures in a heartbeat.

There are those who may say he was a drunk and womanizer but he was the best Pirate around and his crew or friends were deeply devoted to him…well, most of the time.

I got to thinking about the significance of his last name, Sparrow. Now, I love little birds, sparrows. And this is the reason why. God cares for little birds in all their needs. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches us not to worry in Matthew Chapter 6. About the birds, Jesus said, “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns yet your Heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?”

I also love to watch sparrows because they don’t seem to worry about where their next meal is coming from, if their housing situation will work out, etc. They are just happy and they chirp and sing….or hum like a pirate.

Now my purpose of writing isn’t to glorify Pirates…but perhaps we all need a little of the spirit of Captain Jack Sparrow. Ahoy, matey!