Repenting for Shoes

I felt guilty from the start. I had a bad feeling. Yet I wanted them. I really wanted them.

I had seen them before. Pleasing to the eye. A bit worldly. Aah, what was I fooling myself? They were glitzy. Or, maybe I was fooling myself.

I went to my local Payless shoe store to buy needed shoes for my youngest child. But a pair of purple glittery sandals caught my eye. I didn’t need them but they wouldn’t leave my mind. Times were tight and I should be watching my spending. They were very tempting. I thought I might go back and try them on. I felt bad about this. Really bad, like I was making a wrong choice.

My desire overruled the warning feeling I felt. Later that day, I drove back to the shoe store although I still felt bad. I couldn’t resist those glitzy purple sandals. I made my choice and drove home with the purple sandals and another pair of shoes since it was BOGO (buy one get one half off).

http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=download&id=1147312

I tried on the sandals at home. They looked beautiful on my feet but they seemed tighter than in the store. I began to think the purple sandals were too tight even for fashion’s sake. Alas, I decided to return them to the store. My bad feeling was right. I felt guilty for my tempted choice. These shoes weren’t right for me and had cost money and time. The shoe bag with the two boxes seemed heavy as I carried it into the store. I waited for the clerk to process my refund and take my pride and vanity off my hands. I walked out of the store lighter without the shoe boxes and richer with the refund money and the lessons learned.

I wondered if repentance was a little like that. We see something, lust after it, feel tempted by it. We feel we shouldn’t act on it, yet succumb and feel guilty. To cleanse our conscience, we rid ourselves of what makes us guilty and weighs us down. We exchange our heavy burden of sin to the Savior and in exchange we feel cleansed and lighter which is worth more than the money received for a refund.

I was thankful to learn a lesson that day with shoes rather than something more serious. God is merciful. I had bought a beautiful pair of turquoise sandals a few days ago, anyway.

The Fun of Journals

Today began with a game of tag. My youngest daughter has beautiful long blonde wavy hair like Rapunzel and I pretended to want it. “Don’t touch my hair,” my daughter sang in a sing-song voice. We played this game of tag off and on throughout the day. Isn’t it fun to have fun?

Then I was productive, going through the clothes in her room. Finally, we needed to pick up the books off the floor and put them in her bookshelf. I got a timer and off she went stacking books, so proud of herself. (I wish I gave myself more credit for the things I do.)

Then we went into my room and she suggested we have a fashion show. I waited while she changed in my closet.  Out she came with a brown faux fur vest and enormous fur-lined black boots. My daughter announced the fashion show was beginning. Then she began to sing how she was a brown bear who liked to eat berries and honey and roar. Her roar was very convincing. Then she changed into a gray fox and sang another song, complete with the cutest howl “Aa-Ooh.” I clapped for a long time.

Then my daughter announced that it was my turn to model in the fashion show. I changed into a different brown faux fur vest. She made sure I announced the fashion show properly…and that I sing. Like a kid, I was spontaneous and made up a song. First I was a bear. My daughter said my roar scared her. Next instead of a fox, I decided to be a gray wolf. She asked me to change again.

I thought I’d change into a glam girl, complete with glitter and sequins. My daughter joined me in the changing room and picked out a Mickey Mouse shirt with glitter, a turquoise glitter scarf and a hat with silver sequins. I suggested I turn on some dance music and she agreed. Then we danced for several songs. My daughter looked like a break dancer.

After lunch, we went to play at a park. I watched her make instant friends with all the kids there. They came up with a game where one person was the storekeeper inside the rock climbing wall and gave dirt through the holes to the kids outside. The kids outside then deposited the dirt on a dirt pyramid structure. Dirt was everywhere yet the kids made it a prized commodity.. (I don’t know if I could have come up with such a unique game.)

http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=download&id=616678 

                                                                                                           

When we got home from the park, I prompted my daughter to wash her hands and face. She asked me to help her. While I was washing her face, I put my fingers under her top lip and made funny faces. We laughed and laughed. Then she wanted to do the same for me. I must have more flexible lips because I looked like “Mr. Ed” braying. We laughed for the longest time. (I highly recommend this activity.)

Then it was time for my daughter to practice writing her name. She kept asking to write more and more. Mistakes didn’t phase her. She just kept trying. (I wish I was more like that.)

The evening weather was pleasant outside so my two daughters went in our front yard. My oldest daughter wanted to play croquet/putt-putt. My youngest daughter wanted to play softball so they combined the two. Recently my youngest daughter did well at a bean bag toss for Easter. Well, tonight she did well hitting the ball. (Does anyone remember the excitement of finding out a talent?)

I’m so glad I wrote down these small events. When I went back to my journal, I was surprised at what I had forgotten even a couple days later. I’ve been keeping a regular journal since 1986 but it’s never too late to begin. Even writing down one trip or even one memorable day can make a difference. My kids love to hear me read about themselves in my journals. Not only did I remember that fun day, I gained what adults can learn from children. Of the day above, I wrote “It was a great day! I’m very happy to be a Mom.”

Temptation Spray

I was doing my morning ritual. Brushing my teeth and then using my special        12 hour mouthwash, that’s 12 hours against bad breath. I spray on my perfume. For some reason, I imagined a spray to ward off temptation, also lasting 12 hours. Prayer is the activator, needed morning and night. “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matt. 26:41.)

It’s funny how when I am exposed to temptation, I find it, er…tempting. Sometimes, it seems I’m surrounded by a storm and I can’t see straight to find my way out. Everything seems confusing and I have a hard time making up my mind.

The way I view temptation is this: I'm safe and warm in my house with my family. The devil through temptation wants to tempt or lure us away from our safety. The devil will try to get us to start by looking out the window and be curious about evil. If the devil can get us to open the door a crack, he has got us.

As you may have guessed, I was exposed to temptation recently. It took me by surprise. I didn’t know what to do and I thought I could solve it myself (stupid thought). Avoidance of evil is always best. But I’ve heard this promise before which always gives me hope: “There hath no temptation taketh you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it” (1 Cor. 10:13.)

http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=download&id=3787

Usually when I am faced with temptation, I listen to the song, “Slow Fade” by Casting Crowns. It sounds a lot like “See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil” and I imagine monkeys acting it out. The song goes like this: “Be careful little eyes what you see - It’s the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings…It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away – It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray – Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be made – When you give yourself away – People never crumble in a day  - It’s a slow fade…Be careful if you think you stand – You just might be sinking.” Listening to this song usually snaps me out of it. But I was beyond that this time.

The first night of my temptation, I opened in my scriptures and I read verses about the devil wanting my soul. Very comforting-not really. The second night, I opened in my scriptures about God always delivering His people. I felt very comforted and that things would work out. I just wasn’t sure how. I also didn’t know how I could endure this temptation much longer.

The third night of my temptation, I was talking with a trusted girlfriend about this issue. She offered sage advice:  “You know what to do, you just have to do it.” While talking, I was building up strength to face and defeat temptation. Immediately after I got off the phone, I found out my temptation had been taken away from me. God knew it was too great for me. God knew I wanted to do what was right. So He took it away from me. Sometimes we’re strengthened and sometimes our obstacle is removed. I felt such peace in comparison to my imprisonment. I praised God that day for delivering me, just like I had read in the scriptures. The Lord's Prayer says "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil." Temptation could lurk around any corner. To be safe, always pray and put on your temptation spray before going out.

I was in a Pickle

I was in a pickle, a serious pickle. My husband lost his job, along with his insurance benefits, over six months ago. Just before he lost his job, I got mail order for my medications which lasted three months. Two of my mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder are costly without insurance. Abilify is $800/month and Seroquel is $1000/month. I’ve been trying to figure out how not to pay the full price as I am unable. I checked out the assistance programs offered by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. I found out I didn’t qualify. I asked my two doctors for samples to get by. They had some samples of Abilify but none of Seroquel. I later discovered that Seroquel was supposed to come out in generic form sometime this year so the samples had stopped.

In going through my meds, I found some expired Seroquel XR (the extended version) samples. I thought I’d try them to extend out my supply. Bad idea. After trying the expired Seroquel XR for a couple days, I became very suicidal. I kept praying for a miracle. Then my husband came across a Canadian pharmacy that had the generic version of Seroquel for a great price. The downside was they didn’t know how long it would take for the shipment to go through customs. It could be two weeks to one month or more. And I only had two weeks of Seroquel left. And that was after decreasing my Seroquel by 1/3 to extend my supply. This could be a crazy idea as I could quickly shift into mania, my worst nightmare.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2998

Well, I seem to be holding steady but wondering what to do when my supply is gone. I have felt like I am in captivity waiting to be delivered. I had a dream of receiving my Seroquel shipment in the mail but I didn’t recall when that would be. I told God that if He provided a miracle, I would give Him credit and write it in my blog. Last night, I looked at my email briefly on my phone. I noticed an email from the founder of my bipolar support group but it had no subject. I almost didn’t open it. But I'm glad I did. 

These were the contents:

“Good news. For those who are on Seroquel. Regular Seroquel , NOT the XR,  is now available at WalMart Pharmacies in generic form. BIG SAVINGS.

 Just thought you might want to know.”

I screamed, jumped up and down and began to cry. In the nick of time, I had been delivered. Of all the weeks for Seroquel to be released in generic form, it was released when I needed it most. Sometimes, I wonder why God does that. He waits until the last possible moment and then helps us. I think He likes a little drama, a drumroll, to test our faith before He provides a miracle, and to make the story of our life interesting.

As I waited to be delivered from my captivity, I thought about the Savior of the world also coming to deliver us from captivity, from sin and death. As Easter Sunday approaches, this promise is for you: “Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses” (Psalms 107:6.) Happy Easter!

P.S. Later today...You won't believe it. I ran an errand today and came back home to see a small package sitting on my table. With great anticipation, I opened it and my generic Seroquel from Canada was inside. I don't have to go without Seroquel or pay for expensive US generic Seroquel. God is sooo good. I'm alternating between crying and jumping for joy! God is real and miracles still exist. God loves and helps me and I know God wants to do the same for you.